insomnia

my brain is all crazy. i am rhyming without trying. this terrible lack of sleep is causing my brain to loose its form. to melt down into a puddle in my head. everything is blurry and whirling together and apart and together and apart.
i wish i could find the energy to harness this delirium. to turn it into something creative. words or images. the barriers are more pliable. their rigidity melting away as quickly as the hours of the night. i lay down in bed and all of a sudden five hours have gone by. all of a sudden it is after three in the morning. didn't i just get home at 6:30?
my body is a tub of water. like a long rectangular tupperware that is just too big to not spill when you walk with it. the water cresting back and forth over opposite lips. slosh. slosh. slosh.
i could melt into my bed. slowly sinking into it and letting the fabric of my sheets and blanket absorb me. my face becoming one with my pillow. and then gone.
i need to sleep. reset my body and mind. then maybe i can rediscover my motivation.
the shower is so far. such a process. my eyes go out of focus as i stare at the keyboard.

i have to take my boots off.
i have to put on pj's.
i have to go to the shower trailer.
i have to go to bed early.

i have to.

best website ever.

365 days a year!

the night's watch.

Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all the nights to come.

i'm into book three of game of thrones and today while finishing up book two, i read the oath of the night's watch again. i thought about in a way that applied to me and some conversations i have had and some decisions i have made. again, it probably speaks to me in a way, going back to that chivalry and such post. something bigger than yourself, etc., etc. all the hundreds of characters that are churning about don't matter when compared to the realm. 

something bigger than you. bigger than your time here. bigger than you instant gratification and moments of happiness.

now my mind is going in a million directions on where this post could go. i have to write more, i really do, even if it's not here.

back to the start. 

so, i have a plan. and while this plan will not be easy, i think it will make me happy. i'm willing to give up a lot to accomplish it and will keep trying and trying even if i don't get it going in 10, 15, 20 years. every little bit counts and every single day is a chance to do something that will change things.

i will swear an oath to myself to make this happen. to stop letting the temporary wants get in the way of the goals i have set. i know i have the strength to do it. i know i'll have the support too.

there is no reason not to and i am so excited about the possibilities.

change changer, change.

yep.

i need to write soon.
in the meantime...this:

a.f.p.