chatter, chatter, chatter.

living in barracks is disgusting. right now there about 30 women living together in a barracks. luckily, that's not that many, really. but sharing a three stall bathroom, about eight stand up showers and having no private time it gets old, quick. i've only been back two days and already i wish i never had to take my headphones off or that i didn't have to put lotion on after a shower in a bathroom stall. (also, let me mention that they all have oozing small pox vaccine scabs on their arms, something i've been lucky enough to not have to endure.)

listening to women cry on the phone because this is their first deployment, complain about the incompetent leadership (yes...it's true. i'm not in charge.) and be completely oblivious that there are people sleeping due to a 24-hour guard duty shift is beyond annoying.

maybe it's because I've done this before, i don't know. i do know that i am more considerate than most people are. paying attention to my surroundings and trying to make sure that everything i do had minimal impact to the people that are forced to live around me. let's just say Kuwait can't come soon enough. hopefully i'll be in no more than a four-man trailer. this is one of those times i mentioned where you simply say "embrace the suck", because it's going to be over before you know it.

moving on.

my leave plans have started to form! going to Thailand for two weeks in June with Bella hopefully! i have also started researching a travel program called space-a, where a service member can hop on a military flight if there are extra seats, for FREE. i can fly to any active duty base in the world if my schedule is flexible enough to be available when the seat is. usually this happens in a reasonable window and when i get back and settled i think there is a definite world trip in my future. some of the countries i can fly to for FREE include:

Japan

Australia

New Zealand

Guam

Germany

Spain

Italy

and

Alaska!!!

as i have said before, the future is very exciting and i can't wait to get there.

P90X yoga kicked my butt last night and i pulled something in my leg doing combatives today. resting up and back for cardio tomorrow, hopefully. christmas break is almost here and going home will be awesome. i'm glad i'll be able to see my family before i go and of course the Wub. <3

time for bed.

The road has always led west...

so i left.
november flew by and i really can't say how i feel about it all. there were good things that blossomed out of leaving and some bad things that may never be resolved. i will never, ever take for granted the fantastic friends that have been there for me through thick and thin. roller derby has led me to find a new family outside my military one and although the east coast has been my home for the past seven years and i think i'm done.

colorado is amazing...we'll get to that.

harpie and me!

so i left. i had a wonderful send off at hot club. (thank you to everyone that came out and for my fantastic cards made by rhoda and signed by everyone!) claudio drove me down to quonset <3. the plane ride was uneventful. i travel extremely well. i almost always fall asleep before take off, wake up just long enough to smile as i'm pressed back into my seat and watch the world fall away, and then out like a light.
we landed in texas and took an hour bus trip to north fort hood. unpacking and finding a lower bunk were the priorities  the chow hall is decent (i love chow halls!), there is a gym and we got the first two days which are medical and administrative readiness over and done with right away.

it's very difficult to explain things that go on in the army. the processes and the mindsets..."hurry up and wait", "embrace the suck", etc, etc. standing in line with 200 other soldiers, going through 12 stations in two different buildings that takes two whole days just to get a check in the box is mind numbing. i have perfected the art of "sham ninja". somehow i slip in and out of situations getting what i need to get done without getting noticed, stopped or tasked out for extra duty. it is a skill i am extremely proud of. i finished all the stations by about 10am on the second day, enjoyed a long afternoon nap and started going to the gym.

then saturday, the four medics (who i don't know how to spell their names, except for martin...) including me took a flight from texas to fort carson, colorado for a combat medic training course. we are on day four of that tomorrow and i only wish i had gotten this training before i went to iraq, not kuwait...at least now though the army is actually preparing it's medics to deal with trauma and not waste time with EMT-Basic level skils.

i am in awe of the landscape. we lucked out with our hotel (resort). i have had the most fantastic food i've ever eaten at every restaurant i've been to here and delicious, delicious beer.
i am gaining back lost perspective and can't even explain how excited i am for the future. for all the possiblities and everything that i am going to do.
it's like a dead weight has been cut off and now my heart is flying free.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

we will be going back to texas this upcoming saturday and back to the barracks and the ---

there was an interruption of room service delivering my bacon wrapped scallops and salad. and maybe an "i'm an adult, staying in a hotel, all by myself, answer the door in hotel furnished robe dance".---

i'm going to try and start writing more.
the next exciting thing: wub and michigan for xmas. <3!

one, two, go.

two days left. this time has flown by...
this whole summer seemed to be a whirlwind of good times with great friends. maybe it's the leaving that makes it go by so fast. the no bummer summer ended far too quickly for me.

freighbors

now it's my turn and honestly it couldn't come soon enough.

i am so excited to get this chance to change. to be out of my environment, to gain the perspective you lose after being immersed in your life for so long. so many big things are happening and will be happening. this next year is full of hope!

GOALS that WILL be accomplished:

1. no drinking. no smoking. eating right.
2. work out to the point of being a derby monster when i come back.  (hellooooo apolo ohno workout routine.)
3. get an edumacation! i'm already registered for online courses and am super duper excited to start using my brain again.
4. READ! WRITE! DRAW! i am going to be so selfish with my time. i like to have fun as much as the next guy, no doubt there, but i miss having filled sketch books and story times.
5. learn to play the ukulele. it's already on it's way over to kuwait. i think my lack dexterity is going to be the major issue.
6. go to Thailand on my two week leave. i want to see the world and i'm going to start making that happen.

a lot is going to change while i am gone. i am going to change while i am gone. the changing won't stop once i'm back either...
picking up and starting over is getting harder and harder. it is getting to the point where i am going to want to have somewhere i can always go back to. of course one of those places is Michigan but i want a place to call my very own and i honestly don't think that place is going to be Rhode Island.

...i still have to pack my duffel bags for tomorrow.

one last thing because it is so important. remember the relief that you feel right now. this is better than anytime that was.

halloween

it's halloween.
there have been an assortment of events that have led me to this point. an evening alone, with nothing but my thoughts and wub. sifting through paper and stories and drawings. stealing inspiration. trying to remember how i used to let it all out. reading words written by other people but so familar they might as well be mine.

i picked the wrong distraction. detoured from my path of self discovery, again. i used to draw. i used to write. i used to put it all down so that i could remember. there's so much to it all that it is too easy to forget. memories fade and i wonder about the person i used to be. how was i so confident? why have i not figured out that keeping it all walled in doesn't make anything hurt any less?

too long i have let shame rule me.

rediscover a version of me that knew how to create and update her. change changer, change. find a balance. so jaded but never letting go of the innocence, the wonder.
let go instead of the bitterness, the doubt and anger.

and for the love of everything sacred in the world, never, ever stop hoping. hope for more. hope for your dreams. hope with all of your heart because it's all you have.

looking forward to the future. i am excited to get there. the possibilities are increasing with every change that is still unfolding. knock it all down again to build it back up. change changer, change.
surround myself with people that will love and support me and who will let me love and support them. stop wasting time with takers. explore. create. love. learn. god i can't wait...it's happening and i am so happy that this version of me will be dead by 28.

it's mutha fcking doodle time.
happy halloween.