yup.

i know, i know...i need to write.

but in the meantime, i bought a car! black w/a moon roof. none of that extra stuff. i don't need the bells and whistles.

soooooo excited!
see below:

insomnia

my brain is all crazy. i am rhyming without trying. this terrible lack of sleep is causing my brain to loose its form. to melt down into a puddle in my head. everything is blurry and whirling together and apart and together and apart.
i wish i could find the energy to harness this delirium. to turn it into something creative. words or images. the barriers are more pliable. their rigidity melting away as quickly as the hours of the night. i lay down in bed and all of a sudden five hours have gone by. all of a sudden it is after three in the morning. didn't i just get home at 6:30?
my body is a tub of water. like a long rectangular tupperware that is just too big to not spill when you walk with it. the water cresting back and forth over opposite lips. slosh. slosh. slosh.
i could melt into my bed. slowly sinking into it and letting the fabric of my sheets and blanket absorb me. my face becoming one with my pillow. and then gone.
i need to sleep. reset my body and mind. then maybe i can rediscover my motivation.
the shower is so far. such a process. my eyes go out of focus as i stare at the keyboard.

i have to take my boots off.
i have to put on pj's.
i have to go to the shower trailer.
i have to go to bed early.

i have to.

best website ever.

365 days a year!

the night's watch.

Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all the nights to come.

i'm into book three of game of thrones and today while finishing up book two, i read the oath of the night's watch again. i thought about in a way that applied to me and some conversations i have had and some decisions i have made. again, it probably speaks to me in a way, going back to that chivalry and such post. something bigger than yourself, etc., etc. all the hundreds of characters that are churning about don't matter when compared to the realm. 

something bigger than you. bigger than your time here. bigger than you instant gratification and moments of happiness.

now my mind is going in a million directions on where this post could go. i have to write more, i really do, even if it's not here.

back to the start. 

so, i have a plan. and while this plan will not be easy, i think it will make me happy. i'm willing to give up a lot to accomplish it and will keep trying and trying even if i don't get it going in 10, 15, 20 years. every little bit counts and every single day is a chance to do something that will change things.

i will swear an oath to myself to make this happen. to stop letting the temporary wants get in the way of the goals i have set. i know i have the strength to do it. i know i'll have the support too.

there is no reason not to and i am so excited about the possibilities.

change changer, change.

yep.

i need to write soon.
in the meantime...this:

a.f.p.

and i'm done.

so i'm still not fully back in the swing of things but that's okay. we aren't really that busy and even if we were, i'd handle it.
less than four months and we'll be headed home. this deployment has gone by insanely fast. too easy, too easy.

now comes the hard part.
what the F do i do with my life?!?!?!
so much freakin' freedom it's ridiculous.

i have decided to stay in the guard. the benefits are worth it and i'll be signing up for a tax free bonus. hellz yeah.

where to go from there though???
while most people my age have careers or are working jobs to pay for houses, cars, etc. i have a blank slate. i know i need to get back to school but i still can't decide what i want to be when i grow up.
in the meantime and before i get roped into another job because i'll need to be paying for a house and car, etc. i am going to TRAVEL.

thailand, cross country united states, europe, alaskan cruise.
i'm doing it.

finished watching season 2 of game of thrones.
now to finish book 2 and start book 3.
went walking last night and will be going again tonight.
easing back into before i add the ruck and start running and derby workin' out again.
2 weeks of no working out and i can tell...ugggh.

oh and the exact car i want is for sale and i'm not home yet to buy it!!! :(
4 Door, black, GTI with a sunroof!!!
damn you faaaaaaate! daaaaaaaamn you!!!!

hot air

holy mole.
that two week visit was crazy!!!
michigan was awesome as i got to relax (sorta) and see the wub. hanging out with my fam and seeing old friends. <3

wub.wub.wub.wub.

providence was even crazier with trying to see everyone that i could and then some!!! karaoke, beers, mimosas and so much foooooooooood. i am still full from eating so much.
my hoedown was awesome! (thanks maul!) i loved seeing everyone and there were so many dogs!

derby.derby.derby.derby.
i can't wait to get back on skates for real. i didn't bring them back to the states with me, although going to a men's practice with richie probably would've been a lot of fun.
focus now that i'm back is upping my workouts and getting on skates more now that i have my knees pads, etc.
be aggressive. be, be aggressive!

there will be partying once i return but not like those two weeks. oh man. (just the zombie pub crawl, halloween parties and wftda national championships in atlanta...oh who am i kidding. PARRRRTY!!!)  i'm going to stick with my diet, join the Y and start paying dues and get back to practice asap...
although then there will be another three week break with i go to portland and thailand...!!!

derby.derby.derby.derby.

still jet lagged a bit. i am so happy to be back in my bed. those two days in the transient tents were terrible. ugh.
i should go take a shower but i think i'm too lazy.
i'm going to scrub it.
tomorrow i'm back to work for reals and may even go rucking in the evening.

for now, THIS:

<3!  <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!   <3!  <3!

it's resonating.

i'm trying to listen to howlin wolf.
i can't load the videos quick enough to drown out the sound of a girl in my tent that is having a fight with her significant other. i'm not going to even explain what it is about because it's not about anything. the conversation is just the girl in my tent repeating over and over for the person she's speaking with on skype to shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up and to quick speaking to her like a child and how she doesn't have to sit there and listen to this.

the problem, she is sitting there listening to this, yelling back and has been for the past 20 minuets at least.

i don't know why people, especially it seems younger girls, are addicted to drama. they create it for themselves, putting up with a ton of shit just to keep that silken tether to meaningless conflict. it makes me want to walk over there and shut her laptop and say "there, now you don't have to listen to it."

i have never been a person that has drama in their life.
i would count maybe two episodes in my entire life that would really be classified as drama. the rest of the shit that happens in life just rolls off and i keep going.
i keep to myself and only keep people in my life that don't bring that kind of stink with them.

relationships are messy and deployments do complicate things. i understand that, but this these people aren't arguing about mortgage payments or anything significant!
uggggggggh.

i would like to just say i am so thankful i am single. i am happy with my life right now and where i'm headed. having the complication of another person in that equation would just ruin things.
i have no desire right now for the anxiety it can cause.

right now, i'll just take my friends and family.
friends are different because they're friends and they always will be. <3
and there is no escaping family.

this wasn't meant to be a rant blog but it turned out to be one. i wanted to write about how i'm so excited for leave and how i may have changed my mind, again...
i wanted to write about how music is resonating with me in ways it never has before, especially the guitar and the blues...

ah well...another time.
i went to kuwait city and had a lovely day. it's refreshing to get away and i am already mentally checked out so it was good to get away and not think about everything i have to get done before i leave for two weeks. oh man...

another day, another scarf.

one more day and i'm on my way to wub. <3

single digits

i am only a couple days from a single digit count down for my 2-week leave.
i cannot explain how thankful i am that i #1, decided to take leave and #2, that it is, what i think will be, perfectly timed.

people are getting pissy here. this is not a deployment. this is working abroad, without access to beer and people that you don't, in some capacity, work with. there is no escaping and forgetting and having a "weekend" to distance yourself from them and all their bullshit.
it could be me too. my tolerance could be wearing thin and my ability to let the little shit go is waning.
i broke down and had a cigarette today. that's how fed up i felt...
ugh. i feel terrible. and gross. and did nothing to soothe me. i went rucking this evening and THAT made me feel better. at least now i know.

now let me clarify, of all the personnel here, the medical section is probably the most free. we get to go to AJ on tuesdays for flight physicals, kuwait city for medical consults and even escape for swimming at Ali. some people haven't even been off the base. this base is about six miles by six miles and without access to a change of scenery, people get crazy.

i imagine this is a colony on some distant planet that we were forced to go to and set up sustainment operations. the whole base under some sort of dome to provide atmosphere and we travel to other domes when we fly in the blackhawks.

some people aren't just cut out to be pioneers...in space...

i'm talking more with the oregon guys and am seriously considering flight medic school. we'll see but i'm glad that there are some people that i will be able to have as points of contact for when i transfer.

i'm tired. my feet are sore (i wore my barefoot shoes for the whole ruck!)
someday i'll have a day off.

hunger pains

i woke up at 4 o'clock this morning from actual hunger pains. i thought maybe i was crampy or it was a gas bubble but as tossing and turning and rubbing my stomach didn't alleviate the pain, it must have been HUNGER.
i did an awesome ruck last night around the perimeter. it was the second one since the tendinitis in my foot (i took four days off) and i felt amazing!!! dick and i blazed the almost six miles and holy crap were we pooped after. i was more thirsty than anything when we got back but i still should have forced myself to eat something. a chicken breast, some cereal, anything! i barely ate lunch yesterday as the temperature has been rising and it's averaging about 115 degrees by noon time and the heat kills me. killllllllllllls me.
i am a cold climate creature. the only thing i am thankful for though is there is hardly any humidity.

hunger pains. hrmph.

so i managed to get another hour of sleep. woke up and decided that the pain really was from hunger so i ate a cliff bar. it was also time to start getting dressed to go run the mother's day 5k. i haven't gone for a run in a couple weeks as i started rucking and then hurt my foot. i had gotten up to about 4 miles on the treadmill about five times a week but with all the research, primal blueprint diet, etc. i switched to walking for the weight loss. i guess i need to figure out when to work sprints in to keep up my endurance.

also, this was all after LT Salmon killed the medical section's abs yesterday with a 20 min ab only workout. holy smokes!

working out. working out. working out. so in addition to that we also escaped to another camp about 45 mins away called Ali for short. half of the camp is air force and we have two detatchments that fall under us that operate from there. we were tasked with ensuring their buildings were stocked with first aid supplies and to dispose of any expired stuff. well that took about 20 mins...soooooooooooooo....

this is a "deployment" right?

we went to the pool!!!

it was an amazingly refreshing day. we baked ourselves in the sun, dipped into the pool and baked ourselves again. this was after applying liberal amounts of sun block of course.

we then went to the shawarma resturant (see below) and i got the most delicious fruit smoothie ever.

nom nom nom nom!

all and all it was a pretty faaaaantastic day.

counting the days until i get to see my wub. i'm hoping to keep up with walking and stuff while i'm home, although i don't know what i'll use as a ruck. i'll figure it out.

happy mother's day to all you crazy moms out there.

and to all you moms with animal babies, happy mother's day to you.

i can't wait to mush my baby.

7:30 in the morning and i've already run a 5k, showered, wrote a blog and now i'm going to throw on some shorts and go eat breakfast chow. what a fabulous day!

NCO skillz

that's right. i said skillzzzzzzzzzzz.

so now that i'm a sergeant i have to do counseling statements for the junior enlisted in my section. there's only two of 'em so it was kinda easy but it was still a formality that had to be done, and something i had never done before.
i'm pretty good at writing stuff. (believe it or not!) a little rough around the edges maybe about proper punctuation, grammars, etc. (i really don't like the oxford comma at all but find myself using it still sometimes unconsciously. see above.)
so it took me a little bit but i finally wrote out the counseling statements and forwarded them to the sergeant first class that has been helping me and is administratively next in my chain of command. he reviewed them and i will proudly say, said i did an excellent job. woop!

i feel that the actual counselings went well. it is a weird line to walk between being friends and also being a supervisor/leader but i think i manage pretty well. i also like to lead by example and really strive to set the standard and always behave professionally. (basically i am freaking awesome.)

i'm not sure if it was because the MP's only care about MP's but i was never looked at seriously for my leadership potential. i always felt brushed off and so began to feel like nothing i did mattered so why try. i did have a lot of freedom in that unit and i think that is because a lot of the senior leadership trusted my maturity and knew i had that level of professionalism. for my military career though, aviation has done more for me in the past 6 months than the MP's did in six years and it's pretty amazing.

i know it is deployment and it's not going to be the same when i get home, but right now i'm pretty happy with the army. the guard is something i'm good at and i'm finally being challenged and given responsibilities and respected for the job i do and praised for the results i get.

talking more and more about it i am leaning towards staying in.......

i know, i know. i was dead set on getting out. the whole reason to deploy was to set myself up nice-nice to get out and get on with my "real life".
but thinking about it and all the benefits and the fact that i've basically been full time my whole career has made me seriously consider staying in.
i joined the guard, went through basic and medic school, came home, went right into deployment mode, deployed, came back and had a couple months off. then i started working full-time for the 169th and then got my technician job and now this deployment. (i thrive on deployment though...)
the military has been 90% of my life for my entire career. i'm thinking that if i switch that, if the military is only 10% of my life, one weekend a month and two weeks out of the year, it won't be so bad. i can do crazy things with my hair because i'll only have to put it up within regulation two days a month. i can travel and play derby and FINALLY go to college and get a degree which was the whole reason i joined in the first place!

with the 100% tuition coverage, the health insurance, retirement benefits and slowing deployment tempo i am seriously thinking that it won't be as bad as before. i can focus on my civilian life and use the guard as a tool and take what i have learned and apply it to my life. i have to make this choice by the end of july as there is a pending $10,000 tax free bonus in it for me...hmmmm.

everything else is falling into place though.
i bought my ticket for thailand this week.
bella has hers.
and ace is getting hers next week!

yeah. i'm going there.

about 25 days until i see my wub!!!
a tigers game.
massages!
beer.beer.beer.
dancing.
more beer.
karaoke!!!!
then i come back and only about 3 1/2 months until i'm back for good.
how time flies!!!

wub.wub.wub.wub. <3

derby workout n' more!

so i have been doing some reading and with some help from a few people here that have degrees in stuff, have come up with an awesome routine!

in the morning i do assorted exercises with my stability ball (mostly abs and arms) and with my balance board which is ridiculously fun when you’re trying to have a conversation with someone. We’re going to throw some P90X abs in there too, every other day or so when the conference room isn’t being used.

Then lieutenant salmon wrote me up a derby specific workout!!! She is writing me another one tonight and we’re going to start doing them in the afternoon before we leave work. Today’s workout was three rounds of:

Clock lunges w/20ibs x10 ea
Dynamic step-ups x 15 ea
Front planks @30s x3
Pulsing lunges w/20lbs x 15 ea x3
Calf raises w/20lbs x20
Side planks @30s x3ea

I am still going to try and run a few times a week but I am going to start walking the perimeter of the camp with my medic bag every night.
It’s about six miles around and I will be carrying about a 35-40lb bag. Walk, walk, walky, walk.

Super excited.
And these are all things that you don’t need a gym for which I think is even better.

My barefoot shoes came in and I had to send them back. They were ½ size too small. It made me sad cause I was all ready to try them…
The new pair should be here in about a week or so.

Going to try and do the primal blueprint diet again too. It worked for me last time and I although I won’t be able to do it fully because of all the processed, persevered foods here I am going to try my best.

I also didn’t make it to see The Grey last night. It was thunder storming and I didn’t want to get soaked walking or on my bicycle.
It’s playing tomorrow so I’m going to leave work early so I can make it at 1600.
Woop!

Oh, and I’ll be home in a month, mushin my wub. <3

jack white

the misfits phase has passed.

with jack white's solo album out i have started listing to it, the white stripes rare tracks and everything else he's ever done, plus a little led zeppelin.

i know i've said it before, but seriously, i love everything he's done.

i hope he's still touring when i get home.

i wish i was in the country for his show with the alabama shakes...dammit.

onward.

how can you not weep at the beauty of the world.

the bravest journeys are never taken alone.

i want to write. (and not just this blog but stories and poems and novels and!)

no time now.

one choice down.

one to go.

my hair doesn't seem to be getting any longer.

this month i focus on arms and abs.

i am so excited for my t-rex tattoo.

i really have the most amazing network of friends EVER.

barefoot shoes on the way.

derby focused circuit training.

about a month until i see my wub.

i need to get a datebook and start marking down my plans.

holy crap, i am tired.

one last thing:

it's SGT Barnes now. (i made a havoc patch! that is v. 1.0)

the 90 day funk

so the past week or so (basically since MAJ Kue left) has been kinda crazy. people have been super touchy and seem to just be in sour moods. i'm pretty relaxed about my job here. it's not that tough, just a lot of follow-up, tracking and now that i am a sergeant, paperwork. hooray.
i don't even want to get into what i'm going to be responsible for as a section leader...

our last day with MAJ Kue

moving on.

so i'm a sergeant now. wooooooooo! i feel like it is a long time coming and there is a lot to be said of the MP's now that i have the experience of being with another unit. while i will always love the MPs and without getting too complicated about it, they're jerks.
i know i have mentioned going officer if i end up staying in, but really, when i think about the kind of person i am, i am a NCO. it's hard to explain the differences and the attitudes (as i've mentioned before as well) but i guess you could kinda say i'm like the muscle. i get the task and i make it happen. there's planning and administrative stuff that fall into my realm but NCO's are more hands on than officers and i think that is my style.

lincoln chafee flew in for a meet and greet and was standing next to my commander when i was promoted. it was kinda small and i chose to have one of my senior NCO's who has been providing me with guidance do the actual pinning. (pictures to follow if i ever get the memory card).

everyone seems pleased for me and think me deserving which makes me happy. i honestly don't think i need to act any different than i was before except now i have a little bit of power behind me.

work has been super busy also and i haven't touched my ukulele since monday. shaaaaaaaaame on me!
hopefully i'll have some time tomorrow but i know when brandon comes by sunday he is going to give me a frowny face.

something crazy like 46 days until i'm home on leave, and about 56 until i'm partying it up in providence.
i can't wait to mush my wuuuuuuub.

things in kuwait:

awesome training!!!

camels (they like to be petted.)

and the easter bunny came for a visit:

chivalry and such

the very first time i put thought into how i would die someday came when i was in about 4th grade. my friend jennifer weinbeck had spent the night and we were out walking or playing. the moment stands out vividly as i had never considered "how" and the abruptness of the question as she asked it was like ice cold water in the face. it didn't take me long and as my mind had pulled from its collective memories scenes from shows, history books, movies, i got goosebumps and responded within seconds, "for my country."

now i have never been a super patriotic person and even less so as i grew up and realized that the ideals america was founded on were exactly and only that. i feel that this certainty that i had was more about sacrificing myself for something bigger, something i believed in. to live honorably and with a code of morals and to be willing to die to uphold them. i think that is the concept i was trying to express.

i think that this ingrained need to have this higher code is why the medival times always appealed to me. knights and kings and queens and dragons. st. joan of arc, michael the archangel. i need to watch dragon heart. and yes, i may just mist up every time i watch it and draco recites the old code with bowen in the rain. ugggggh.

valor. valor. valor.

i wouldn't say that making this choice at a young age influenced my decision to join the military. i have been thinking about what it means though, if i stay in.

i'm not sure when it started but i have associated my belonging to the army national guard as a weakness. a cop-out to real life and dealing with all the stresses and responsibility that come with it. i look at getting out as something i am scared of. to not have the safety line of the guard in my life. i have started questioning myself about this. i am trying to see it as a different type of strength, a type that most people don't have. the strength to be disciplined and professional despite the outrages that can occur in your life. all the little stuff that i don't even think about as a challenge or going weeks, months, a year, without the comforts that most people would not be willing to give up, even for a few days.

i am good at being a soldier. i know i am going to be good at being a NCO. it is easy for me and maybe that is why i have a hard time taking pride in it. i guess the longer i go, the more i will continue to see that even for some people that are also soldiers, it is not easy.

i need to go to bed but my brain and my heart and my everything is going whrrrrrrrrrr...

i'm pretty sure that i'm pretty sure.

so more changes in plans.
of course.
i'm sure i'll change my mind again tomorrow.
there is a choice that i'm going to have to make and kinda soon.
ugh. the hardest decision i have to make over here is whether or not i'm going to the gym. or should i ride my bike or take the bus to chow.
these life altering decisions are so tough. i dooooon't wanna make 'em. waaaaaaa. i'm a whiny baby. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

ugh.

on a more totally awesome note, i ate this today:

yes. that is an oreo baked inside a chocolate chip cookie.

it was amazingly delicious. i had a spiced chai latte to wash it down with too. uhhhh. heaven.

our new flight surgeon comes in today. the flight surgeons are usually army reservists and only do three month rotations. it makes us sad as major kue was pretty fun and awesome to work for. luckily we have major merrell still and he will be here until august. let's hope the transition is smooth.

i also finally got my promotion paper work! i'll hopefully be wearing my sergeant stripes by next weekend. of course this has made me reconsider my army career and has swayed my plans. raggle, raggle, raggle...

there are a lot of moving pieces. i probably won't make any moves until after my leave. after some time in the civilian world and away from the ease of army life.

i also love flying in helicopters. 

i had the chance to sit in the "hurricane seat" this week. we fly with the windows down when it gets warm. i couldn't stop laughing for about the first 10 minutes we were in the air. they warned me it was going to be windy, but holy crap! i'll let you see for yourself.

i had to face away from the window the whole ride back and hold my headset on, lest it be blown off! insanity!!!

getting back on my running routine tomorrow. shins are feeling pretty good. thinking about doing the 5k wednesday 'cause i didn't do it today. it's just so early...meh. derby learnings, ukulele jamming, kite flying. now i just need to get on skates regularly.

mushing my wub in about 7 weeks.

home for good in about 6 months.

time really does fly by!

can't stop.

i cannot stop listening to the misfits. all misfits. all the time. holy mole. brandon (my uke teacher!) and i have been listening and jamming and thinking there's more than a few misfits songs that will be pretty easy to learn to play on the ukulele.

i have to work on my chord transitions. muscle memory to get faster and just learning where my fingers have to go. i'm getting there! my fingertips are so sore from yesterday. i played allllllllllllll day. 

i'm also stuck on a three-beat strum. when i'm just strumming to practice my chords i do a three strum pattern and i can't seem to get it to a two or a four beat when i try and play a song.

oh instruments and musics and ukulele of doom.

i am learning.

i am happy.

i will be playing some misfits on my uke by june.

wolves have no kings.

so i didn't get the AGR job.
the rhode island army national guard (as well many other aspects of rhode island i hear...) is very much influenced by what is called "the good ol' boy" system. it is all about who you know that determines how far you'll go. without delving too deeply into it, as far as i know, i am overqualified for the position and significantly more qualified than the individual who it was given to.
this should have been the end of it. the possible diversion from my path westward was over, but nothing is ever that simple is it?
one of the senior NCO's here who helped me with my packet for the job wants me to wait, be patient and see about putting in for an AGR job that may be available in aviation when we get back. i keep yelling at him to stop believing in me and my potential as a leader, soldier, all that verbiage that they like to use to make favorable recommendations.

i am okay i think with either choice. there are pros and cons to each, as there are with every decision you can make in life. odds are i'll  probably end up choosing something complete different so why worry about it now...

there's more important things. like practicing my ukulele!

we've been pretty busy in the medic section. between flight physicals, consults, ranges and PT tests i haven't had a day off in a few weeks. i just want one day to sleep until noon (or later). my day out on the range was pretty good. i want to get a rifle when i get home and go shooting regularly. i do enjoy it.

what else, what else...


ROLLER DERBY'S TEAM USA PUT A LINK TO MY BLOG ON THEIR PAGE!!!1!!!!!

omg. omg. omg. omg. omg. omg. -dies.-

i seriously almost died when i saw this. i couldn't believe that they not only saw my blog but they linked it on their paaaaaage?! that poster is now framed and hanging in my office. everyone that comes in sees it and i am educating the masses on modern roller derby. i cannot wait to get back on skates full-time. raaaaaaawrrr!!!

i got my nike plus kit in and it is awesome! it tracks my steps, distance, pace, etc. and if nothing else motivates me to go running. i have increased from two to three miles but wanted to start working on increasing my overall pace. i started doing 60/120's (sprint for 60 seconds and then walk briskly to recover your breath for 120 seconds, repeat.) for about a mile as well. then i really pushed it and took out the average pace run all together and would just sprint for as long as i could, recover and do it again. then, shin splints. i haaaaate shin splints. i used to get them at the beginning of soccer season every year. they'll eventually go away. i got arch supports for my shoes too, as i am flat footed and am hoping that will help some. i'm taking tonight and tomorrow off of running too. then it is back to business.

i have been doing a lot of remembering still and it has been awesome!!!!!!
there's this:

i LOVED this show

and this:

there are just too many! i am still finding more and remembering even more shows. oh cartoons...you're just not the same anymore. 

i'm just really into dinosaurs right now too. i don't know what triggered it. maybe finally making my appointment for my t-rex tattoo. i have always loved dinosaurs. like a lot. like a lot, a lot. i used to keep count of how many times i watched Jurassic park because i loved it so much. i think i got somewhere around 60-something once i had the vhs. and while i do love velociraptor, there is no dinosaur who could ever replace the t-rex as my all time favorite. i don't even like watching whichever horrible sequel to Jurassic park it was that spinosaurus kills the t-rex. 

dinosaurs....they're just so amazing.

thank you rhoda for posting this!

well i think it's movie time.

i have tomorrow off and am planning on sleeping in. then roller skating. then maybe me and lt salmon will go fly our kites!

more ukulele lessons tomorrow too.

1 month and 1 week no smoking. i even had an espresso on my 1 month to celebrate because i gave up coffee as well. it's a trigger for me for smoking. there is no more delicious combo than a coffee and a cigarette.

dooobeee dooobeee doooooo.

also, i love every single song by the white stripes and pretty much everything jack white has done.

hello, i love you.

that's generally how things go.

impulsive and indecisive.

portland. michigan. rhode island. f it all i'm moving to europe. rhode island. michigan. portland?

with this pending AGR job things are all jumbled. all my day dreams of nude beaches and bike rides, bella, rose city and the west coast are on hold because i may be stuck in rhode island.

i am telling myself this job is worth it and logically it is. i am going to be retired, with a full pension from the army by 45ish. i'll be making a pretty fair living and hopefully set myself up with some land, etc already paid off and ready for me for when i'm done.

what i am feeling is completely different though. i don't want to stay in rhode island. i love it, i do, in a way, but i am ready to move on. i don't want to stay in the army. this job is safe and it is making me feel a bit like a coward for not trying to do what i want and be free of it all.

maybe it is because i've been there too many times before to go back to a place where i have to start over from the bottom. i have struggled and i have made it to this place and there is never a guarantee that if i walk away from it that i will be able to get back.

ugh.

army stuff, army stuff. so i am only an E-4 which is an enlisted ranking system. i am also known as a specialist. i am the medical section's NCO(non-commissioned officer) which is an E-6 position (staff sergeant). i cannot even begin to explain the difficulties of trying to perform all the duties and deal with higher ranking personnel like an E-6 as an E-4. my skills are sharpening and i think if/when i get promoted that i'll be a damn good NCO. i don't think at this point i'd ever go officer...

blarg.

aaaaaaaand i have my first ukulele lesson tomorrow. one of the civilian contractors with D Co. has his uke here and is going to give me lessons! i am so excited!!!!

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

gym time. i hope this dust storm clears.

more pictures.

more messages.

more doodles.

i'm lazy...and watching dexter

the television shows have conquered my free time.
it's nice because i just zone out and the time passes and all of a sudden it's march! (when did that happen?!)
i rewatched all of true blood and am now caught up to season 4 i think.
i started over with dexter as well and although i am missing about 10 episodes of season 4, i have moved on to season 5 and i think there are 7 all together.
after that there's season 1 of game of thrones (super excited! i am going to read the first book in about two weeks when i'm sitting at the range.)
and i think a few seasons of the big bang theory after that.

i wasn't able to switch my leave dates so it looks like i may never be able to go to ECDX...ever...waahahahaha.
then i wasn't going to take leave at all and just collect the pay check.
then i started looking at all the pictures of Wub i have in the office and decided i needed to see my man. two weeks lounging around in michigan, pool side, getting a massage, drinking some beers and mushing my man.
that way i won't spend as much money and won't have to worry about visiting multiple places.
(you should just come visit me. we can go camping on my aunt bridget's land up north and even do some artsy fartsy things downtown.)
i am also planning on getting a tattoo from benjamin!!!

i fing LOVE dinosaurs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so i'm getting that. probably on the inside of my left bicep. pretty excited...

that's it. running in morning, over two weeks not smoking, getting back on top of school work (tomorrow???)

oh, and that pesky little AGR job that might ruin all my plans and keep me in the military and in Rhode Island...wtf.

application was turned in. now it's a waiting game... ughhhhhhhh.

please write me love notes.

i miss you. <3

just don't tell my mom, okay?

things have settled here and we have a good routine going. work, homework, tent, doodle, insanity, repeat.
wednesday we went to the other base that is a bit bigger for a combat medic symposium (fancy, i know). it was a good way to network and to find out about all the training they have available here in country so we can keep our EMT licenses up to date, etc.

it may have been the clips of Restrepo that they showed, or just being back in the grove of things, but i really do enjoy being a medic. then i started thinking about the 169th and how they are headed to Afghanistan in august/september and that maybe, just maybe, i should try and go with them.
inspired by my army profession, i talk to my first sergeant about it and had a friend email the new commander of my unit. for a few days i was getting myself okay with the idea of going.
it would be nine more months, in Afghanistan. the mission was FOB(forward operating base) security and they were going to be traveling by helicopter. not a bad mission at all. i messaged some of the guys and told them i was going to try and join...

then we heard back from the commander. they are full on medics! when did this happen!? not that i wanted to spend another nine months away, but i was already kind of used to the idea. i feel a bit guilty that i chose this deployment over that one and that i won't be there with my guys. raggle.raggle.raggle.

now i am readjusting to the idea of being back this fall and all my plans that i have started to line up for myself. i have a lot to do, conquering the world and all...

i am super excited to get on skates. i'm hoping that we can start doing rollerdurance regularly in a couple weeks once the other girl's skates come in.

there really isn't much else going on that is worth writing about...
time to go back to my space tent and doodle.
muppet movie again tonight with sturdahl and maybe giblin!

space wolf out.

i need to watch this everyday.

this. this. this. this.

live a life of meaning.

need someone.

create community.

joint creativity and gifts create intimacy and connection.

i love you.

more for you is more for me too.

your happiness is my happiness.

your pain is my pain.

anything but homework

i love eating with my hands. there is a connection to our food that is lost when we sterilize it with utensils and white porcelain plates.

i'm trying to remember a lot of things that i have forgotten.

i remember eating ribs at winner's all the time. i don't think any ribs i have had or will have can stand up to the memories i have of those ribs. they were magical. as a lot of things in your childhood are.


i remembered this past summer about how much i used to climb trees. my bedroom had the door to the backyard and i would be outside all the time with bully (my rottweiler). there was this perfect tree for sitting in. i could lean back and prop my feet up just a bit. sometimes it was a cockpit in some kind of awesome transformers type animal. (maybe now it was voltron that inspired this as well. who knew!?)

i remember when i bit my cousin in kindergarten because i thought i was one of the robotic lions from voltron (i just googled to figure out what it was from. i honestly didn't know. i just knew i was vicious.)

holy crap.

i remember in 5th grade performing in the talent show as chef brooke. it was a comedic routine. i remember making a mess of the set, kelly donnigan and it being loosely inspired by the chef from the muppets. where the hell did i get a chef hat from?

i remember quantum leap. yessss. <3

i remember i used to love little baubles and magical looking rocks, just like a crow. i would keep them in a little cash box that had a key.

such little things had such magical powers.

i had a ton of knock off matchbox cars. they all had names and personalities. there were great car battles waged in my living room.

bronty! the brontosaurus. a maybe three foot tall, stuffed, magenta dinosaur that i would sit on and jump up and down the hallway on.

my playroom in the basement! i had the whole teenage mutant ninja turtles collection! i was so mad when i got the rapheal costume and it had swords instead of sia.

instead of a barbie jeep i had a tank of some sort. it was grey and had six wheels and a joystick in the middle. that thing was awesome...

i remember being able to do some trick, like when you press your arms against a door jam and they raise up on their own, that made it feel like i was flying.

hideouts were the most amazing places ever. the ivy and stuff that grew over the chain link fence around the parking lot of the church on the corner made a perfecting hiding place. i could hide my bike and sit in there. i think maybe i doodled or read books.

i went there once with my backpack and some old man on my street stopped me to ask if i was running away. i felt terribly uncomfortable that he would assume that...

i remember when bully dragged me across the street, running to see another dog.

i remember hitting my cousin's bike's back tire with the front tire of my bike and flipping over my handle bars.

i had a bean bag chair that i LOVED!


there is so much. years and years and years.
i'm going to work on remembering and write it all down.

The Insanity has Begun

finally worked out. went last night to Insanity...
they told me it was the reset day. the day that they do the stretching and such. i thought this would be a nice reintroduction to working out. well they were wrong. it was cardio madness. or cardio death....plus abs. holy crap. but i feel good. i love it. i am sore but in different muscles! from jumping and high knees and butt kicks. all the things i need to do. i am going to bring my jump rope to work too. that way every time i get bored i can go outside and jump rope for about 5 minutes. woooooooooo!
plus all the bike riding.  (i named my bike "havoc's hot mess" as that is how i refer to myself most of the time.)

besides that we went a little crazy today in the office:

this really is a great way to end my army career. i'm getting things done (like a boss) and having fun. getting in shape and learning me some edumacations. springboard into awesomeness!!!!!!!

hanging out at the starbucks now. listening to the most awesome version of dracula's lament. <3 ordered my stuff from bruised boutique and helped another one of the girls here order hers. i can't wait to add skating to my weekly routine. i also splurged and got a mocha frappuccino and a cheese croissant. mmmmmmmmmm.

i ordered a how to play the ukulele book and it came in today. i am still waiting for the tough boxes (which has my ukulele in it) to get here. i am pretty excited about the challenge of learning how to play. i am taking a music foundations course this semester too, so hopefully that will help. it's been eons since i've read music.

i have to stop ordering stuff online but i can't help it...
i also may take next semester off and concentrate on drawing, my children's books (there are a few now...brewing in my head) and the uke.

that's about it.
oh, and skate and party hard PRD!!!

edumacation!

so i have no motivation to do my homework today.

if i really buckled down and did it i could be done in a few hours, i know it.

i just keep distracting myself with facebook, google, wikipedia and visiting other people in their offices.

arg.

i loooooooooooove my bike. i am already more motivated to go places. like the gym and chow and just for joy rides. the idea of having to walk to the gym, workout and then walk back was just too much. now that i have a bike i am starting Insanity tonight. i am pretty excited, although i know it is going to kick my butt six days a week. 

jamming out to a perfect circle makes me happy too. oh maynard... <3

not much else going on. trying to streamline my medical section with outlining our responsibilities as far as the weight control program and supply ordering. so far we are making progress.

hopefully we will have the official leave dates by the end of the day. i really hope i'm going to be able to make it to ECDX. i've never been because i've always had to work the airshow. terrible...i know. it would be a whirlwind of a visit but i could start in michigan, drive to philly, hitch a ride back to rhode island spend my last few days partying it up and maybe even a PRD practice or two!

and last but not least: scruffy update!!!!

scruffy got all his shots, fixed and will be heading to live with captain awesome's dad in michigan on sunday!

i can't believe how quickly we were able to make this happen and cannot thank you enough for your donations to help cover the expenses!!!! we can't save them all but at least we saved him. hopefully i'll be able to visit and post some pictures when i'm home on leave.

okay. seriously. i have to do homework. i shall willlllllllllll myself. i have the POWER! shifting my brain into homework mode...in 3...2...1...GO!

derby. derby. derby.

so this happened today:

i had mentioned in a previous  post about wanting a team usa poster. i was thinking one with the logo on it, to hang in my office for inspiration. a friend of mine from high school, alassin sane, who now skates for the atlanta roller girls emailed me that she was contacting someone she knew on the team usa marketing team.

i thought this was awesome of her and said so. little did i know that when my mail arrived today it wouldn't be just the team logo but a team usa poster signed by team usa!!!!! i am so filled with joy over this. i ordered a frame today for it and can't wait to show it to every person that comes in for an advil.

again, thank you alassin sane and team usa. this is inspiration multiplied by every player on that poster. i can't wait to get back on skates with providence roller derby!

as if that wasn't enough, i was gifted some beautiful art from chelsea lovebeamz and spent the morning chatting with my steady love about portland.

i love derby.

i love arts.

i love my friends.

today was a good day.

haunted

i think i have been too much in my head in the past few days. it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is somewhat uncomfortable. i haven't had this much time for such introspection, reflection and nostalgia, well, since my last deployment. removing yourself from your life certainly gives you a unique opportunity to evaluate everything you've done and who you are, who is in your life and who isn't.

i don't think it's necessarily regret, but just a "man, i wish i could see what it'd be like if i would've done ___________ instead."
sometimes i wish i had moved back to michigan when my time was up in connecticut. i wonder what would've happened if everything had gone according to plan in maine. i don't think there's anything wrong with looking back and trying to look at what happened and learn from everything that did.
maybe i'm thinking so much because there's another fork in the road coming up (faster than you'd think...) and i need to choose again. i love providence. roller derby really did save my soul. i have amazing network of friends that i am beyond grateful for. it is familiar and it has become home. dammit providence!

my movement has certainly slowed in the past couple years. i haven't lived any place more than a year in the past seven until the warwick house. it's getting harder and harder to uproot when all i want is what i have. huh...fancy that.
once more. i want to head west. the wide open spaces, the derby, the steady love. i believe portland will agree with me. i'm just wondering how soon after i'm back that i'll be gone...

"insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." i used to hate this quote because it applied so perfectly to me. i am tired of being insane! i know that changing where i live isn't going to change me but i am already changing me. reroute the wires in my brain so they aren't all messed up anymore. different outlook, different responses, different reactions.
2012, you rock so far and i'm just happy i have this chance.

ughhh. i can't keep up with my brain. i suppose i should focus it on school work while it's whirring like this...
and hey, don't forget. you're awesome and can do anything. 'cause i can too.

Save Scruffy!!!

Captain Awesome is going to adopt him, but we need your help to get him home!!!
[ we got scruffy home. <3 ]
any amount will help! we have a limited time to make this happen!!!

afternoon musings

sometimes when i eat with classical music on i feel like hannibal lector. maybe i'm cutting some human flesh into bite sized pieces.

i did a happy dance today because all my textbooks for school came in and my music montages from rhoda!!!

i also got the annotated sandman. it is so beautiful. i want to read right now.

i'm schooling and doodling so much i haven't been reading at all! my poor kindle is so neglected.

i think i may buy a wacom cintiq when i get home. soooo fancy.

i am going to see the new muppet movie tonight!!!

i just ate and am now in a food coma. i don't want to do anymore school work right now. maybe i'll doodle.

i'm doing a semester long research paper on Women's Flat Track Roller Derby.

i ordered a bike yesterday because the PX was out. i'm hoping i get a fancy one that's different from everyone elses.

i need to restock my candy stores. i am eating my last now and later right now.

i just went for a bike ride and it was amazing.

i got a mouth guard for when i grind my teeth! hoooray!

i've been listening to mozart all afternoon.

time to finish some school work and then i'm done for the day.



it's a really tough deployment. baskin and robins wasn't open today.

Havoc's Care Package Wish List

if you would like to send me stuff i would love to get stuff from you. not things either. i would love a simple letter from you or a doodle or a picture. <3
if you want to get me nom noms that'd be great too.

The List:
raw almonds
marshmallow apples (trader joe's)
stop and shop brand southwestern salsa-medium
multi-grain scoops
(i'm looking for healthy snacks that will keep well...)
microwave popcorn (plain if they have it!)
burned cd's and dvds with awesome musics and movies (or a thumbdrive if you have one. i can send it back!)
love notes
delicious coffee

fancy body lotions!!!
i need to stay soft! and youthful!


SPC Barnes, Brooke
1/126 Aviation Task Force Liberty
APO-AE 09330

just a tourist

i got to go down to kuwait city yesterday. we schedule medical consults through civilian providers for services we don't do here or at the larger base nearby. after stopping by the starbucks, where there were several western looking people and where the third country nationals speak english, we dropped of our patient at the dentist office. there isn't really a city i've been to that i could compare kuwait city with. there are still old bombed out buildings from the first gulf war that are fenced off and being torn down. patches of these ruins are hidden among towering hotels and new apartment buildings. the city is as clean as a desert city can be with the garbage and rubble that litters the ground kept to back alleys and small one way streets.

we took a drive down the strip that runs along the persian gulf. the number of outrageously expensive cars is mind-blowing. if you are a kuwait citizen you get paid a stipend just for being born here. once a year you have to go out in the desert to live like your forefathers and set up a tent. maybe bring your horse, atv and of course your servants. kuwaiti citizens are loaded. 50 kuwaiti dollars is about 180 us dollars. none of the people that work in kuwait are kuwaitis. usually Pakistanis, Philippians and Indians. the kuwaitis instead drive around in range rovers, Ferraris, corvettes, Porsches and cameros.

we went to the mall. they have everything from american eagle to burger king. baskin and robins is thriving over here, which makes me insanely happy. rainbow sherbet everyday!!!

we ate lunch at the food court. i got chicken curry. it was good but i was still disappointed. i am craving some providence indian like woah.

i am hoping once the unit we are replacing leaves i will have a more standard schedule. right now we are going places and doing things so they can show us how it's done. i just want to sit in my office and do homework, which i have been doing all day today.

then i can incorporate a good workout routine. i haven't worked out since i've been here but i have been walking every day. i don't even know how many miles i cover per day but we walk to the chow hall, the barracks, the px, the flight line, the laundry trailer. i know i said i'd expand but i need to focus on school work and i have to do a bit of research for my post about how awesome walking is.

i'm waiting for the other girls that are buying skates to order their stuff. i'm going to get a new helmet so i can use it when i buy a bike to ride around on post. then i can email Dee and have her put it all in one box to try and keep the shipping costs low.

like i said, life is pretty simple  here and i'm just passing the time with school and working out. there is a movie theatre in one of the tents near the px, so maybe i'll have to go see what's playing.

i have found that netflix doesn't work over here and even if it did, the internet speed is probably too slow to stream anything. i want to download music too...grumble...grumble...grumble.

i guess send me cds with musics and burn me some dvds!

back to homework. i'm almost done!

the ease of army life

i want to get out of the army. i do...(there's a plethora of reasons why.)

but being on a deployment, even our two weeks of annual training sometimes, make me doubt myself. life is so much simpler when you don't have to worry about anything. giving up control of everything makes it all so easy. i have some things to worry about. sure, there are things like making my storage unit payments but really, it's just too easy.

you wake up. you go to a chow hall. you go to work. you do what you need to get done. you go home.

obviously that can be similar to a life not with the military but there are no other options. nothing else to pull you away from time to yourself, or school or the gym. your options are so limited it makes choosing a breeze.

one of these things is not like the other.

i could see myself staying in. i would put in my packet to become an officer for sure though. i may could even change states. i could join the reserves instead of the guard and go on active duty orders for the next however many years and teach the BCT3 training that i went to in Colorado. They don't just teach it there. the teams are stationed in San Antonio but travel every two weeks all over the world. i do like the world of medicine. i think the body is a fantastic, fascinating machine. really, it's just my bedside manner that needs work because over all i don't really like dealing with people...but...

i could see myself doing this and it's that choice that stresses me out. the army has become my safety net of sorts. i can always go on another deployment. i probably know someone that can get me a job, even if it's only for six months. i have a monthly paycheck, no much but it does supplement what you have.

i have a year or so to make a decision. i can always join back up. i don't know if this is someone i want to continue to be. i have so many other things i want to do and the army is limiting my opportunity to do them.

Brooke, SPC Barnes, Havoc...i'm not sure that they can all coexist. uggghhhhh...................

i'm sitting in my office now (yes, we have a little itty bitty medic office. but i have my own desk!) listening to the helicopters on the flight line. we went to another base today that we take our pilots to have flight physicals done. it was pretty neat. i am still here at 6:30 at night, doing homework because i know if i go back to the tent i'm going to shower and be asleep by 7:30. we are still in transition with the unit we are replacing. the medics that are showing us everything are pretty cool.

decisions, decisions. i have time and it really is the only thing i have to worry about. this year is the year for bravery though and i'm pretty sure i'm ready to let go and start a life that i love. let go of the way things have been and embrace whatever will be.

back to homework... 

and from my most favorite of books:

be brave fitz.