derby. derby. derby.

so this happened today:

i had mentioned in a previous  post about wanting a team usa poster. i was thinking one with the logo on it, to hang in my office for inspiration. a friend of mine from high school, alassin sane, who now skates for the atlanta roller girls emailed me that she was contacting someone she knew on the team usa marketing team.

i thought this was awesome of her and said so. little did i know that when my mail arrived today it wouldn't be just the team logo but a team usa poster signed by team usa!!!!! i am so filled with joy over this. i ordered a frame today for it and can't wait to show it to every person that comes in for an advil.

again, thank you alassin sane and team usa. this is inspiration multiplied by every player on that poster. i can't wait to get back on skates with providence roller derby!

as if that wasn't enough, i was gifted some beautiful art from chelsea lovebeamz and spent the morning chatting with my steady love about portland.

i love derby.

i love arts.

i love my friends.

today was a good day.

haunted

i think i have been too much in my head in the past few days. it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is somewhat uncomfortable. i haven't had this much time for such introspection, reflection and nostalgia, well, since my last deployment. removing yourself from your life certainly gives you a unique opportunity to evaluate everything you've done and who you are, who is in your life and who isn't.

i don't think it's necessarily regret, but just a "man, i wish i could see what it'd be like if i would've done ___________ instead."
sometimes i wish i had moved back to michigan when my time was up in connecticut. i wonder what would've happened if everything had gone according to plan in maine. i don't think there's anything wrong with looking back and trying to look at what happened and learn from everything that did.
maybe i'm thinking so much because there's another fork in the road coming up (faster than you'd think...) and i need to choose again. i love providence. roller derby really did save my soul. i have amazing network of friends that i am beyond grateful for. it is familiar and it has become home. dammit providence!

my movement has certainly slowed in the past couple years. i haven't lived any place more than a year in the past seven until the warwick house. it's getting harder and harder to uproot when all i want is what i have. huh...fancy that.
once more. i want to head west. the wide open spaces, the derby, the steady love. i believe portland will agree with me. i'm just wondering how soon after i'm back that i'll be gone...

"insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." i used to hate this quote because it applied so perfectly to me. i am tired of being insane! i know that changing where i live isn't going to change me but i am already changing me. reroute the wires in my brain so they aren't all messed up anymore. different outlook, different responses, different reactions.
2012, you rock so far and i'm just happy i have this chance.

ughhh. i can't keep up with my brain. i suppose i should focus it on school work while it's whirring like this...
and hey, don't forget. you're awesome and can do anything. 'cause i can too.

Save Scruffy!!!

Captain Awesome is going to adopt him, but we need your help to get him home!!!
[ we got scruffy home. <3 ]
any amount will help! we have a limited time to make this happen!!!

afternoon musings

sometimes when i eat with classical music on i feel like hannibal lector. maybe i'm cutting some human flesh into bite sized pieces.

i did a happy dance today because all my textbooks for school came in and my music montages from rhoda!!!

i also got the annotated sandman. it is so beautiful. i want to read right now.

i'm schooling and doodling so much i haven't been reading at all! my poor kindle is so neglected.

i think i may buy a wacom cintiq when i get home. soooo fancy.

i am going to see the new muppet movie tonight!!!

i just ate and am now in a food coma. i don't want to do anymore school work right now. maybe i'll doodle.

i'm doing a semester long research paper on Women's Flat Track Roller Derby.

i ordered a bike yesterday because the PX was out. i'm hoping i get a fancy one that's different from everyone elses.

i need to restock my candy stores. i am eating my last now and later right now.

i just went for a bike ride and it was amazing.

i got a mouth guard for when i grind my teeth! hoooray!

i've been listening to mozart all afternoon.

time to finish some school work and then i'm done for the day.



it's a really tough deployment. baskin and robins wasn't open today.

Havoc's Care Package Wish List

if you would like to send me stuff i would love to get stuff from you. not things either. i would love a simple letter from you or a doodle or a picture. <3
if you want to get me nom noms that'd be great too.

The List:
raw almonds
marshmallow apples (trader joe's)
stop and shop brand southwestern salsa-medium
multi-grain scoops
(i'm looking for healthy snacks that will keep well...)
microwave popcorn (plain if they have it!)
burned cd's and dvds with awesome musics and movies (or a thumbdrive if you have one. i can send it back!)
love notes
delicious coffee

fancy body lotions!!!
i need to stay soft! and youthful!


SPC Barnes, Brooke
1/126 Aviation Task Force Liberty
APO-AE 09330

just a tourist

i got to go down to kuwait city yesterday. we schedule medical consults through civilian providers for services we don't do here or at the larger base nearby. after stopping by the starbucks, where there were several western looking people and where the third country nationals speak english, we dropped of our patient at the dentist office. there isn't really a city i've been to that i could compare kuwait city with. there are still old bombed out buildings from the first gulf war that are fenced off and being torn down. patches of these ruins are hidden among towering hotels and new apartment buildings. the city is as clean as a desert city can be with the garbage and rubble that litters the ground kept to back alleys and small one way streets.

we took a drive down the strip that runs along the persian gulf. the number of outrageously expensive cars is mind-blowing. if you are a kuwait citizen you get paid a stipend just for being born here. once a year you have to go out in the desert to live like your forefathers and set up a tent. maybe bring your horse, atv and of course your servants. kuwaiti citizens are loaded. 50 kuwaiti dollars is about 180 us dollars. none of the people that work in kuwait are kuwaitis. usually Pakistanis, Philippians and Indians. the kuwaitis instead drive around in range rovers, Ferraris, corvettes, Porsches and cameros.

we went to the mall. they have everything from american eagle to burger king. baskin and robins is thriving over here, which makes me insanely happy. rainbow sherbet everyday!!!

we ate lunch at the food court. i got chicken curry. it was good but i was still disappointed. i am craving some providence indian like woah.

i am hoping once the unit we are replacing leaves i will have a more standard schedule. right now we are going places and doing things so they can show us how it's done. i just want to sit in my office and do homework, which i have been doing all day today.

then i can incorporate a good workout routine. i haven't worked out since i've been here but i have been walking every day. i don't even know how many miles i cover per day but we walk to the chow hall, the barracks, the px, the flight line, the laundry trailer. i know i said i'd expand but i need to focus on school work and i have to do a bit of research for my post about how awesome walking is.

i'm waiting for the other girls that are buying skates to order their stuff. i'm going to get a new helmet so i can use it when i buy a bike to ride around on post. then i can email Dee and have her put it all in one box to try and keep the shipping costs low.

like i said, life is pretty simple  here and i'm just passing the time with school and working out. there is a movie theatre in one of the tents near the px, so maybe i'll have to go see what's playing.

i have found that netflix doesn't work over here and even if it did, the internet speed is probably too slow to stream anything. i want to download music too...grumble...grumble...grumble.

i guess send me cds with musics and burn me some dvds!

back to homework. i'm almost done!

the ease of army life

i want to get out of the army. i do...(there's a plethora of reasons why.)

but being on a deployment, even our two weeks of annual training sometimes, make me doubt myself. life is so much simpler when you don't have to worry about anything. giving up control of everything makes it all so easy. i have some things to worry about. sure, there are things like making my storage unit payments but really, it's just too easy.

you wake up. you go to a chow hall. you go to work. you do what you need to get done. you go home.

obviously that can be similar to a life not with the military but there are no other options. nothing else to pull you away from time to yourself, or school or the gym. your options are so limited it makes choosing a breeze.

one of these things is not like the other.

i could see myself staying in. i would put in my packet to become an officer for sure though. i may could even change states. i could join the reserves instead of the guard and go on active duty orders for the next however many years and teach the BCT3 training that i went to in Colorado. They don't just teach it there. the teams are stationed in San Antonio but travel every two weeks all over the world. i do like the world of medicine. i think the body is a fantastic, fascinating machine. really, it's just my bedside manner that needs work because over all i don't really like dealing with people...but...

i could see myself doing this and it's that choice that stresses me out. the army has become my safety net of sorts. i can always go on another deployment. i probably know someone that can get me a job, even if it's only for six months. i have a monthly paycheck, no much but it does supplement what you have.

i have a year or so to make a decision. i can always join back up. i don't know if this is someone i want to continue to be. i have so many other things i want to do and the army is limiting my opportunity to do them.

Brooke, SPC Barnes, Havoc...i'm not sure that they can all coexist. uggghhhhh...................

i'm sitting in my office now (yes, we have a little itty bitty medic office. but i have my own desk!) listening to the helicopters on the flight line. we went to another base today that we take our pilots to have flight physicals done. it was pretty neat. i am still here at 6:30 at night, doing homework because i know if i go back to the tent i'm going to shower and be asleep by 7:30. we are still in transition with the unit we are replacing. the medics that are showing us everything are pretty cool.

decisions, decisions. i have time and it really is the only thing i have to worry about. this year is the year for bravery though and i'm pretty sure i'm ready to let go and start a life that i love. let go of the way things have been and embrace whatever will be.

back to homework... 

and from my most favorite of books:

be brave fitz.