haunted

i think i have been too much in my head in the past few days. it's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is somewhat uncomfortable. i haven't had this much time for such introspection, reflection and nostalgia, well, since my last deployment. removing yourself from your life certainly gives you a unique opportunity to evaluate everything you've done and who you are, who is in your life and who isn't.

i don't think it's necessarily regret, but just a "man, i wish i could see what it'd be like if i would've done ___________ instead."
sometimes i wish i had moved back to michigan when my time was up in connecticut. i wonder what would've happened if everything had gone according to plan in maine. i don't think there's anything wrong with looking back and trying to look at what happened and learn from everything that did.
maybe i'm thinking so much because there's another fork in the road coming up (faster than you'd think...) and i need to choose again. i love providence. roller derby really did save my soul. i have amazing network of friends that i am beyond grateful for. it is familiar and it has become home. dammit providence!

my movement has certainly slowed in the past couple years. i haven't lived any place more than a year in the past seven until the warwick house. it's getting harder and harder to uproot when all i want is what i have. huh...fancy that.
once more. i want to head west. the wide open spaces, the derby, the steady love. i believe portland will agree with me. i'm just wondering how soon after i'm back that i'll be gone...

"insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." i used to hate this quote because it applied so perfectly to me. i am tired of being insane! i know that changing where i live isn't going to change me but i am already changing me. reroute the wires in my brain so they aren't all messed up anymore. different outlook, different responses, different reactions.
2012, you rock so far and i'm just happy i have this chance.

ughhh. i can't keep up with my brain. i suppose i should focus it on school work while it's whirring like this...
and hey, don't forget. you're awesome and can do anything. 'cause i can too.