chivalry and such

the very first time i put thought into how i would die someday came when i was in about 4th grade. my friend jennifer weinbeck had spent the night and we were out walking or playing. the moment stands out vividly as i had never considered "how" and the abruptness of the question as she asked it was like ice cold water in the face. it didn't take me long and as my mind had pulled from its collective memories scenes from shows, history books, movies, i got goosebumps and responded within seconds, "for my country."

now i have never been a super patriotic person and even less so as i grew up and realized that the ideals america was founded on were exactly and only that. i feel that this certainty that i had was more about sacrificing myself for something bigger, something i believed in. to live honorably and with a code of morals and to be willing to die to uphold them. i think that is the concept i was trying to express.

i think that this ingrained need to have this higher code is why the medival times always appealed to me. knights and kings and queens and dragons. st. joan of arc, michael the archangel. i need to watch dragon heart. and yes, i may just mist up every time i watch it and draco recites the old code with bowen in the rain. ugggggh.

valor. valor. valor.

i wouldn't say that making this choice at a young age influenced my decision to join the military. i have been thinking about what it means though, if i stay in.

i'm not sure when it started but i have associated my belonging to the army national guard as a weakness. a cop-out to real life and dealing with all the stresses and responsibility that come with it. i look at getting out as something i am scared of. to not have the safety line of the guard in my life. i have started questioning myself about this. i am trying to see it as a different type of strength, a type that most people don't have. the strength to be disciplined and professional despite the outrages that can occur in your life. all the little stuff that i don't even think about as a challenge or going weeks, months, a year, without the comforts that most people would not be willing to give up, even for a few days.

i am good at being a soldier. i know i am going to be good at being a NCO. it is easy for me and maybe that is why i have a hard time taking pride in it. i guess the longer i go, the more i will continue to see that even for some people that are also soldiers, it is not easy.

i need to go to bed but my brain and my heart and my everything is going whrrrrrrrrrr...