yup.

i know, i know...i need to write.

but in the meantime, i bought a car! black w/a moon roof. none of that extra stuff. i don't need the bells and whistles.

soooooo excited!
see below:

insomnia

my brain is all crazy. i am rhyming without trying. this terrible lack of sleep is causing my brain to loose its form. to melt down into a puddle in my head. everything is blurry and whirling together and apart and together and apart.
i wish i could find the energy to harness this delirium. to turn it into something creative. words or images. the barriers are more pliable. their rigidity melting away as quickly as the hours of the night. i lay down in bed and all of a sudden five hours have gone by. all of a sudden it is after three in the morning. didn't i just get home at 6:30?
my body is a tub of water. like a long rectangular tupperware that is just too big to not spill when you walk with it. the water cresting back and forth over opposite lips. slosh. slosh. slosh.
i could melt into my bed. slowly sinking into it and letting the fabric of my sheets and blanket absorb me. my face becoming one with my pillow. and then gone.
i need to sleep. reset my body and mind. then maybe i can rediscover my motivation.
the shower is so far. such a process. my eyes go out of focus as i stare at the keyboard.

i have to take my boots off.
i have to put on pj's.
i have to go to the shower trailer.
i have to go to bed early.

i have to.

best website ever.

365 days a year!

the night's watch.

Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all the nights to come.

i'm into book three of game of thrones and today while finishing up book two, i read the oath of the night's watch again. i thought about in a way that applied to me and some conversations i have had and some decisions i have made. again, it probably speaks to me in a way, going back to that chivalry and such post. something bigger than yourself, etc., etc. all the hundreds of characters that are churning about don't matter when compared to the realm. 

something bigger than you. bigger than your time here. bigger than you instant gratification and moments of happiness.

now my mind is going in a million directions on where this post could go. i have to write more, i really do, even if it's not here.

back to the start. 

so, i have a plan. and while this plan will not be easy, i think it will make me happy. i'm willing to give up a lot to accomplish it and will keep trying and trying even if i don't get it going in 10, 15, 20 years. every little bit counts and every single day is a chance to do something that will change things.

i will swear an oath to myself to make this happen. to stop letting the temporary wants get in the way of the goals i have set. i know i have the strength to do it. i know i'll have the support too.

there is no reason not to and i am so excited about the possibilities.

change changer, change.

yep.

i need to write soon.
in the meantime...this:

a.f.p.

and i'm done.

so i'm still not fully back in the swing of things but that's okay. we aren't really that busy and even if we were, i'd handle it.
less than four months and we'll be headed home. this deployment has gone by insanely fast. too easy, too easy.

now comes the hard part.
what the F do i do with my life?!?!?!
so much freakin' freedom it's ridiculous.

i have decided to stay in the guard. the benefits are worth it and i'll be signing up for a tax free bonus. hellz yeah.

where to go from there though???
while most people my age have careers or are working jobs to pay for houses, cars, etc. i have a blank slate. i know i need to get back to school but i still can't decide what i want to be when i grow up.
in the meantime and before i get roped into another job because i'll need to be paying for a house and car, etc. i am going to TRAVEL.

thailand, cross country united states, europe, alaskan cruise.
i'm doing it.

finished watching season 2 of game of thrones.
now to finish book 2 and start book 3.
went walking last night and will be going again tonight.
easing back into before i add the ruck and start running and derby workin' out again.
2 weeks of no working out and i can tell...ugggh.

oh and the exact car i want is for sale and i'm not home yet to buy it!!! :(
4 Door, black, GTI with a sunroof!!!
damn you faaaaaaate! daaaaaaaamn you!!!!

hot air

holy mole.
that two week visit was crazy!!!
michigan was awesome as i got to relax (sorta) and see the wub. hanging out with my fam and seeing old friends. <3

wub.wub.wub.wub.

providence was even crazier with trying to see everyone that i could and then some!!! karaoke, beers, mimosas and so much foooooooooood. i am still full from eating so much.
my hoedown was awesome! (thanks maul!) i loved seeing everyone and there were so many dogs!

derby.derby.derby.derby.
i can't wait to get back on skates for real. i didn't bring them back to the states with me, although going to a men's practice with richie probably would've been a lot of fun.
focus now that i'm back is upping my workouts and getting on skates more now that i have my knees pads, etc.
be aggressive. be, be aggressive!

there will be partying once i return but not like those two weeks. oh man. (just the zombie pub crawl, halloween parties and wftda national championships in atlanta...oh who am i kidding. PARRRRTY!!!)  i'm going to stick with my diet, join the Y and start paying dues and get back to practice asap...
although then there will be another three week break with i go to portland and thailand...!!!

derby.derby.derby.derby.

still jet lagged a bit. i am so happy to be back in my bed. those two days in the transient tents were terrible. ugh.
i should go take a shower but i think i'm too lazy.
i'm going to scrub it.
tomorrow i'm back to work for reals and may even go rucking in the evening.

for now, THIS:

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